Why Soccer Parents are the Way They Are, Maybe -- Part II

Dear Chick,

Soccer Dad expanded on my post about trying to figure out soccer parents. He offers some interesting insights about sideline parents he's come across. Got me thinking some more.

As frustrated and baffled as I get with parents on the teams I coach, I can't help but find it all very fascinating. Why do they act that way? Why can't they control themselves?

Growing up, my mom and dad went to practically every soccer, hockey and baseball game I ever played. They liked sports -- still do -- and enjoyed watching me and my brother play. When I played baseball, they sat on the top row of the bleachers in left field. When I played soccer, they sat far behind the goal. When I played hockey, they were once again at the top row of the bleachers.

Much, much later, my mother told me that the reason they sat so far away was because my dad could not stand to be near the other parents. He wasn't a yeller, or even a cheerleader. But he had a way of whistling -- a piercing whistle, one of the cool ones that you don't need to put your fingers in your mouth to do. That let us know when we did something good. It was the same whistle that called us in for dinner, so I was well-trained in responding to it, much like Pavlov's Dog.

He played sports growing up, including college soccer. Yes college soccer in the 50s. What I have come to admire about him as a fan is that he did not feel the need to pass on his knowledge of the game to other parents. In fact, he prefered to avoid them -- and that's pretty funny if you ask me.

That's why I get such a kick, and sometimes so annoyed, at people who seek to educate everyone around them with their expertise on a game that they really know very little about. They rely on what in reality is a miniscule amount of knowledge relative to others around them -- especially those in left field.

When I think of more, I'll write.

Thanks
You know who

Let's Rank Coaches Instead

Dear Jay,

Soccer Dad got me thinking more about the issue of ranking youth soccer teams in his comment to the post I wrote called My U13s are Ranked! My U13s are Ranked!!"

The big problem I have with ranking youth teams is not necessarily what those rankings do to the kids, but what they do to the adults. I think we should rank the coaches. Every time they lose perspective, they lose points. Each time they sacrifice their "record" for true player development, they gain points.

Here's why ...

I know a dad whose son played on a replacement team in a US Club tournament that is billed as "Nationals." Ok, we know it's not a national championship. How can it be if it takes replacement teams? But it was a well-run, competitive tournament with teams from all over the country. Anyway, this team finished fourth of six in their age group, and the dad started telling people the team was "Top-5 Nationally." They were a second division classic team which means they weren't even top 10 in the state. It's all so unrealistic.

But here is the worst part. If rankings exist, coaches use them as a criteria to measure the jobs they are doing. That feeds on itself and soon the coaches are using it as the main criteria. So if they win major tournaments, they are a good coach. They also start picking tournaments (usually too many and too much travel) to further enhance their ranking. "We have to get into WAGS or our ranking will fall," for example. When rankings are a goal, or the goal, coaches start coaching to win. They develop players to get a result, they stiffle creativity to play safe, they keep kids on the bench who can greatly benefit from game time against strong opponents, they put too much pressure on kids to get what is actually a meaningless result in the long-term.

I spoke to a coach last year. He was trying to decide if his U11 team should enter the Classic Festival. He said, "If we don't win it, can we still get into Jefferson Cup?" First of all, you can't win the Festival, there are no winners. Secondly, if I ever start worrying about that as a coach, shoot me.

I love tournaments. They are a blast for me, but as I've mentioned before, a little perspective is needed.

I remember Bob Gansler, former US National team and Kansas City Wizards coach, telling me once, "When a coach tells you how many wins he has or how many trophies he's won, ask him how many players he's developed."

When I think of more, I'll write.
Thanks

You know who

My U13s Are Ranked, My U13s Are Ranked!!!

Dear Rob,

I hope you see how ridiculous that sounds. Some of my parents asked me one time how not winning a certain tournament would effect our rankings. In my mind, I answered by saying, "Are you seriously asking me about our ranking at U12?" Out loud, I said, "I don't know. It's not important."

So, I had some free time today (big shock) so I went to Gotsoccer's rankings and checked it out. Yep, we're ranked. Pretty high too. Now, I completely understand what a crock these rankings are. Ranked below us (way below us in somce cases) are three teams that finished ahead of his in the league last spring. We beat two of them and tied one. Ranked below us but pretty close is a US Club team that 6 of my players played for, so some of my girls have the distinction of being ranked on two teams in the top 15.

There are also a collection of Challenge teams ranked ahead of Classic teams because they won their groups in tournaments against Challenge teams when Classic teams didn't win their groups against Classic teams.

I will admit the top 5 looks pretty accurate, based on my experience playing against them. Maybe they should stop there. Better yet, maybe they should stop ranking U12 and U13 teams altogether. What's the point? It gives parents something to get all worked up about and gives the players a false sense of their ability.

Tournament Time

Dear Chris,

I have this weekend off. It's my last weekend without a soccer game until Nov. 17. Coaching two teams means I have three tournaments back-to-back-to-back before the season begins. Then 10 straight weekends of league games with a midseason tournament thrown in.

I love tournaments. I guess it stems from the brief period of depression I go through at the end of each game I coach. Win or lose I'm sad when games are over. But there are some games that I feel like I just need to escape quickly before the ref changes his mind and tells me I actually lost. In tournaments, there is always another game right around the corner, either that day or the next morning.

Players love tournaments, too. They love playing a game, hanging around with their teammates and then playing again. Parents enjoy them as well, those that get a kick out of watching their kids compete anyway. You always have the whiners who complain about the heat or what they are missing by being there. I tend to ignore them.

I have to be careful, though. I have to clearly define the purpose of each tournament in my mind beforehand. Then, I have to be absolutely sure I remember that purpose throughout each half, each game, each day and each weekend.

The most important word in preseason tournament is "preseason." Remind me of that if I ever look like I am forgetting it. The purpose is to get the girls used to playing with each other, try some people at different positions, work on our shape in two different formations, and most importantly give all of them a lot of playing time. If I approach the tournament to win the trophy, I will forget most all of that.

There will be some teams that have come to win it. That's fine, I guess. If that's what they want to do, who I am to suggest otherwise? But even if you don't enter with the goal of winning the thing, you can still get caught up in the excitment of that close championship match or that do-or-die group match. If I replace a weaker player with a stronger player in that situation, please just smack me in the head.

Okay, all that sounds great, but in one of our preseason tournaments we will most likely be playing a team that is considered the best in the state. They probably are, and if they aren't they are in the top two. I am going to use that game as a measuring stick -- our best against their best. I am fascinated by devising ways to beat teams better than us. I absolutely love that. I can't help it. And I don't get paid that much, so that will be my little gift to myself. Afterall, one game won't destroy the development of a player, will it?

So just smack me now and get it over with.

When I think of more, I'll write.
Thanks,

You know who.

Why Soccer Parents Are The Way They Are, Maybe

Dear Nomar,

Let me say up front that I know all the good things soccer parents do. I understand the financial and time commitments they make so their children can participate. I'm fully aware of all that. But, too many are out of hand, and I've come up with some reasons.

1. Moms missed out on a lot: Let's say the typical soccer mom is between 30 and 50 years old. So they were ages 10-15 in the 70s and early 80s. If their son or daughter is exceling in soccer, chances are pretty strong mom was a good athlete. But mom didn't have the opportunities to advance in a sport, any sport. Certainly not soccer. So, like any mom who loves her kid, she wants her child to do things she missed out on. So she is intent to push her child to acheive things she never did.

That's all well and good. However, there is an abundance of moms who had some opportunities but did work hard enough for them. And they are just now figuring that out. Those are the scary moms. For whatever reasons -- usually cultural circumstances that involve their own parents -- they bowed to the social stigma surrounding girls and sports in their era. They may have been a tremendous athlete, but didn't pursue it because girls didn't do that.

Listen to Julie Foudy, Mia Hamm and Kristine Lilly for a bit and they will use the same phrase -- "No one ever told me I couldn't do something because I was a girl." That's the important message, not "Don't make the same mistake I made, we paid for that personal trainer so you need to work harder."

2. The many faces of soccer dads: This is a little bit broader topic. There area many kinds of soccer dads. But generally speaking, the amount of overthetopness soccer dads display is directly related to their athletic experiences growing up.

First, you have the non-athlete, peripheral sports fan. They are generally quieter, less intense and successful in life. They make sure their kids' lives are balanced and they probably lean more toward academics than athletics. Their kids will miss practice and sometimes games for academic-related activities. I like these people a lot.

Then there is the sports fan dad. They probably played some sport at a pretty high level, maybe even collegiately, albeit on the bench. They listen to college football and basketball games on the radio at soccer games. They understand sports and can relate soccer to others sports in ways that are useful and hard to argue with. However, they also don't always understand the technical side of the game and the requirements needed to play. That makes them impatient and dangerous. They will say things to coaches like, "You need to have a practice where you teach the kids to get their heads up." Well, you can't do that because half the kids have an awful first touch and they spend three touches chasing the ball, so of course their heads are down. Or, he'll say, "They aren't hitting any through balls. Tell them to hit through balls." Well, let's back up and teach them to first recognized where opportunities exist for through balls and teach them the runs to make to create those opportunities and the supporting angles needed. The worst is, "We need to work on throw-in plays." Well, that's just stupid.

Then there is the high school superstar, usually the big fish in a small pond. More accurately, the biggest goldfish in the tank. They know it all. Their kid will probably play for three different clubs by the time they are 15. Then they will quit altogether. No coach will be good enough, and they will be very vocal on the sidelines. Their kid will be a yellow card magnet because of his/her mouth and the dad will think every ref has a vendetta against his child. They won't listen to professionals who have 20-30 years experience, but they live their lives according to Dean Smith, Coach K or Bill Parcels.

And usually, their kid isn't all that good.

When I think of more, I'll write.

Thanks
You know who